Letting go is a challenging journey, especially when it feels like the very essence of your existence. I vividly recall the firm hold I had on everything in my life—the cherished ones, my feelings, and even the decisions I made. I believed that by controlling my surroundings, I could create a sense of safety and love, but this only deepened my suffering.

Letting go can feel like ascending a towering mountain, weighed down by a heavy backpack filled with memories and emotions. I faced the challenges of childhood trauma, feelings of abandonment, fears, shame, lingering regrets, and the weight of toxic relationships.

So many of us who struggle with codependency, myself included, often find ourselves holding tightly to the illusion of control, thinking it will soothe our anxious hearts. Research indicates that about 70% of people experience codependency in some form. This deep-seated need often conceals our insecurities and the fear of solitude. In our attempts to oversee every detail, we inadvertently shield ourselves from the deeper challenges that lie beneath the surface.

Understanding the Psychology of Attachment

Attachment theory sheds light on how our connections influence our emotions. For numerous individuals, unresolved trauma fosters a hesitance to release the past. Studies indicate that those with lingering issues are more susceptible to anxiety and depression. By letting go, we can disrupt this cycle and cultivate a healthier mindset.

By being proactive in recognizing emotional burdens, identify the areas where you may be holding on, reflect on these questions:

• Are there past relationships that occupy my thoughts?
• Do I carry regrets that linger in my mind?
• Are there self-limiting beliefs that hinder my potential?

Emotional burdens impact not only our minds but can also lead to physical health challenges. The stress and anxiety from clinging to the past can manifest as headaches, digestive issues, and long-term health problems. Research published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research highlights a significant link between emotional distress and physical ailments.

Strategies for Releasing Emotional Burdens

Embracing the power of forgiveness, both for yourself and those around you, is truly vital. It’s not about excusing what has happened in the past, but rather about freeing yourself from the burdens of unresolved hurt. Begin by acknowledging and understanding your patterns of control. Writing in a journal or seeking guidance through therapy,  sharing your concerns at regular CoDA meetings and with your sponsor, can offer valuable perspectives.

Recognizing your own worth is crucial. Shift your attention to your achievements and the values you hold dear, rather than relying on the validation of others. Embracing imperfections—both in yourself and in others—can be incredibly liberating. Remember, perfection is an illusion, and accepting this truth can lighten the weight of expectations.

Forgiving yourself and others is crucial. It’s not about excusing wrongdoing but freeing yourself from the pain.

Steps to practice forgiveness include:

1. Recognize and honor your feelings, seek out a CoDA therapist, share your concerns at CoDA meetings and cultivate your forgives with the help of a sponsor.

2. Create a list of individuals who have caused you pain up until now. A beautiful way to release the grip that these memories hold over you is to compose a sincere letter to each person you believe has hurt you. Allow yourself the space to fully engage in this process. There’s no need to stress about grammar, syntax, or the exact words you choose. Once you’ve poured your heart into the letter, expressing how they affected you and the emotions that arose, you can share this with a person whom you trust, at a CoDA meeting or with your CoDa sponsor. If those options are not available you can choose to either tear it up or burn it. This act symbolizes your decision to release the hold that these memories have on your life. Take your time with this journey of healing. Remember, it’s not a race; it’s a gentle marathon. Be gentle and patient with yourself and your inner child.

3. Contemplate what you need to forgive, and whom to forgive. Make a list, without judging or condemning of a forgive list.

4. One of the tools I use, (from the book by John Bardshaw: All In the Familiy) consider writing a sincere letter to the individual(s) you wish to forgive, don’t worry about syntax or the wording you use. Take your time writing this letter. For me some took a day, while others a week of more.  These letters are for your edification and release, of letting go and forgiving yourself and others.

When the letter(s) are complete, hold off on sending them for now, as they may not be ready to hear your feelings just yet. You might decide to tear it up or even burn it as a symbolic gesture of letting go, which I did. Sharing your letters at a CoDA meeting or with your sponsor can be incredibly healing. Opening up to someone else is one of the most effective ways to lighten the emotional load you’ve been carrying. Have faith in your higher power to guide you on this beautiful path toward forgiveness.

As Dr. Robert Enright, a therapist, beautifully states, “Forgiveness is a choice to let go of resentment.”

In the journey of recovery from codependency, journaling and attending regular CoDA meetings and finding a CoDA sponsor, stands out as a powerful tool for processing emotions.

Begin with these reflective prompts:

• What do I need to release?
• How has clinging to the past impacted my life?
• What actions can I take to move ahead?

Engaging in regular journaling, nurturing your inner child, seeking therapy, and participating in CoDA meetings can illuminate your path, enhance your emotional awareness, and support your healing journey and helping you to let go.

Letting Go of Limiting Beliefs and Negative Thoughts

Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness. Kristin Neff, a prominent expert, emphasizes, “Self-compassion means being moved by your own suffering.”

Techniques for nurturing self-kindness include:

• Speaking gently to your innerself (see Book on Self Parenting)
• Recognizing your challenges without harsh judgment.
• Engaging in activities that promote self-care.

Releasing Unhealthy Relationships

Unhealthy relationships can sap your energy and joy. Be mindful of signs such as:

• Controlling tendencies.
• Absence of support or encouragement.
• Ongoing criticism.

Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial. To achieve this:

1. Recognize your personal limits.
2. Clearly express these boundaries. We co-dependents don’t have healthy boundaries, so depend on your therapist, sponsor and CoDA meetings to guide you in developing healthy boundaries.
3. Stay committed to upholding them. As long as they serve you and are healthy boundaries for the good of all concerned.

For instance, Julia chose to reduce her interactions with a friend who emotionally drained her. By setting boundaries, she found her inner peace once more.

Healing from previous relationships paves the way for nurturing ones. Engage in activities that promote supportive connections, such as:

• Joining CoDA, clubs or groups that resonate with your passions.
• Volunteering in your local community. Be of service to CoDA and a CoDA sponsor.
• Surrounding yourself with friends who uplift your spirit.

A strong social support network can greatly enhance your mental well-being, which should include a CoDA sponsor to help you on your journey of healing. Please remember you know longer have to do the healing by yourself. You are not alone anymore.

Embracing the Present and Future Possibilities

Practicing gratitude can transform your perspective from what you lack to what you cherish. Consider daily habits like:

• Maintaining a gratitude journal.
• Sharing three things you appreciate each day.
• Reflecting on positive experiences before sleep.

Personal growth can be empowering. Think about:

• Exploring a new hobby.
• Enrolling in online courses to acquire new skills.
• Dedicating time for self-reflection.

As life coach Tony Robbins wisely states, “The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment.”

In Conclusion

Letting go is a transformative act that can lead to personal growth and improved mental health. It creates space for deeper connections and a more fulfilling life. By releasing emotional burdens and limiting beliefs, you open yourself to a brighter future. Begin this journey today, and embrace the empowering gift of letting go.

We would be delighted to learn about your journeys in forgiveness and the beautiful process of letting go. Your stories have the power to inspire and uplift us, reminding us that we are not alone on this shared path we are walking together.