One of the significant hurdles I encountered on my CoDA journey was the relentless desire to take charge of every situation and influence those around me. It was an exhausting and somewhat childish behavior that I often exhibited.

Imagine a scenario where people are eager to showcase their influence, whether in their professional lives, at home, or during social gatherings. Visualize a lively office event where one individual monopolizes the conversation, overshadowing the valuable contributions of others. In a family context, a parent might take complete control over decisions, overlooking the important insights of their partner or children. Likewise, in a romantic relationship, one partner may dominate the other, driven by a profound fear of losing them if the truth were revealed.

This relentless quest for power and control often brings to light deeper issues, exposing personal insecurities. In adulthood, the desire for power can often mask feelings of vulnerability and immaturity. Recognizing this reality can open the door to genuine relationships and significant personal growth.

The Illusion of Security: Why We Seek Control

The quest for control often arises from a yearning for safety, offering a deceptive sense of stability in the midst of life’s unpredictable nature. Research reveals a troubling rise in anxiety among adults, with over 40 million in the U.S. grappling with anxiety disorders. This frantic pursuit of control is driven by a deep desire to alleviate discomfort and unease.

Control acts as a barrier against the fears of vulnerability and rejection. As psychologist Brené Brown beautifully articulates, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” Those who resist embracing vulnerability often find themselves tightly gripping control, which ultimately hinders their ability to forge genuine connections.

In her inspiring work, Daring Greatly, she highlights the importance of letting go to truly connect with others. Interestingly, control can lead to situations spiraling out of control. This “control paradox” creates more stress and anxiety. When attempts to manage everything backfire, individuals find themselves feeling more anxious than ever.

The Roots of Control: Tracing Insecurity to Childhood

Childhood experiences, particularly those marked by trauma and neglect, can profoundly shape how we behave as adults. Studies on attachment styles reveal that inconsistent parenting can lead individuals to seek control as a way to cope with their feelings. When a child enjoys a secure attachment, they are more likely to form healthy relationships in adulthood. Conversely, those with insecure attachments may struggle with control issues.

The emotional needs that go unmet during childhood play a significant role in forming adult personalities. For example, a child who experienced neglect may grow into an adult who feels the need to exert power in their relationships. A notable case in the media illustrated how childhood neglect could drive someone to become controlling in their romantic life, as they mistakenly believe that asserting dominance will shield them from the pain of abandonment.

The fear of being abandoned often fuels the desire for control. Many individuals attempt to manage their relationships to avoid the feeling of being left behind. While this strategy might provide temporary relief from emotional pain, it often results in a cycle of anxiety and distress.

The High Cost of Control: Relationships and Well-being

The desire for control often harms our relationships, creating rifts filled with conflict, misunderstandings, and a sense of isolation. Relationship experts suggest that controlling behaviors foster an atmosphere of tension, making genuine communication feel nearly impossible. Clinging too tightly to control can stifle emotional development. When individuals struggle to accept their imperfections or the unpredictability of life, they forfeit valuable chances for self-discovery and growth. Embracing our flaws is essential for achieving emotional maturity.

The link between control and both physical and mental health is clear. The stress that arises from the need to control every aspect of life can lead to significant health problems, such as heart disease and depression. Research indicates that the prevalence of stress-related illnesses is increasing, directly associated with heightened anxiety levels stemming from the desire for control.

Breaking Free: Steps Towards Letting Go of Control

Start by looking inwards. Identify controlling behaviors and understand their roots. Self-reflection often reveals the insecurities prompting the need for control. Mindfulness and acceptance  is a powerful tool. Techniques such as meditation can help manage anxiety and build acceptance of uncertainties.

Mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Learning to ride the waves of life rather than trying to control them can lead to greater peace. Emotional resilience can be developed. Strategies like journaling, seeking support, therapist, CoDA sponsor and meetings and practicing self-compassion can help navigate challenging situations. Building these skills reduces the dependency on control as a coping mechanism.

Redefining Power: Finding Strength in Vulnerability

When we release our grip on control, we open the door to richer, more meaningful relationships. Surrendering the desire to dominate paves the way for genuine connections, nurturing trust and empathy. The journey toward self-acceptance is rooted in embracing our imperfections. Acknowledging that we all have flaws allows us to grow and experience emotional liberation.

By embracing our authentic selves, we can transcend the urge to control. Real strength is found in our vulnerability and kindness. Accepting our vulnerabilities not only fosters resilience but also empowers us, demonstrating that relinquishing control can often lead to the most rewarding outcomes.

Conclusion

The desire for power and control frequently hides a lack of maturity and profound insecurities. Acknowledging these hidden struggles paves the way for personal development and authentic relationships. There is beauty in releasing the need for control and welcoming vulnerability. Take a moment to reflect on your actions today. Think about embracing a life that is more connected and fulfilling, liberated from the chains of control.

We recommend diving into “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown for more insightful exploration in being  your authentic self and vulnerability.

Share with us how the experiences of your childhood have influenced your adult life, and how CoDA has been a guiding light on your path to healing.